mkay i say "week one" reporting because while it's my first week of "reporting" i've actually been pseudo-trying for about three weeks prior to this week. in those three weeks, i managed to lose 4.8 pounds, but then ended up gaining 5.4 pounds meaning i was up .6 pounds from where i started!
BUT...
i lost 10.4 pounds last week!!!! and yes, i know: this is not healthy or normal; however, it is not uncommon to see a substantial weight loss your first week of hardcore dieting - especially when limiting your carb intake. and yes, i also know that i need to be very diligent this week to a. keep off that 10 pounds and to b. lose another couple of pounds.
so, that means my "total" weight loss since starting is actually 9.8 pounds!
*update on goals from last week*
-stick with south beach phase one: sorta. i ended up having some things that are phase one allowed, but still healthy (aka strawberries, carrots, weight watchers ice cream bars)
-keep track of my weight watchers points: i kept track of every single thing i ate last week using my online weight watchers point tracker
-do not exceed my weekly points total: i still had approx eight weekly points left over, plus the nine activity points i earned!
-to look towards the positives and not dwell on the negatives: this one will always be a toughy, but i every time i wanted to give in, i stayed strong!
-work out twice: i went to the gym tuesday and wednesday!
goals for monday, may 11th through sunday may 17th:
-i lost a weight watchers point for going down in weight, so i need to be diligent this week to stay within my daily and weekly points totals.
-work out three times - i am going to a wedding this weekend so any extra workouts will be moer than helpful!
-to be mindful of what i am eating and drinking at the wedding as to not derail my weight loss efforts
-i already drink roughly 75 ounces of water a day, but i am aiming for 125 ounces a day this week!
again, thank you so much for all the positive feedback from last week's blogs; that encouragement was awesome and it definitely is a HUGE help on my journey!!!
*love and hugs*
Monday, May 11, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
the no-no list...
so, as a follow-up to my just posted, 'attack of the bridesmaid's dress...' i have created a no-no list, aka the things that i am going to try my hardest to avoid:
1. regular soda
2. actually, diet soda as well (sigh, i love you coke zero...i will miss you the most)
3. french fries (hi, my name is ashley and i am a french fry addict.)
4. tortilla chips...and the rest of the chip world
5. fried foods in general, including, but not limited to:
a. mozzarella sticks
b. fried chicken
c. cheesecake bites (sooooooo good! try them so i can live vicariously through you)
d. fried shrimp (i know, we just met and you are so good, but sooooo bad for me!)
6. sweet tea (and since i'm in the north now -ha- this won't be as hard as previously thought)
7. ice cream
8. rita's italian ice (thankfully, they have sugar-free when i'm ready to face temptation again)
9. any type of yummy, creamy dips: spinach, buffalo blue cheese, etc.
10. white bread
11. pina coladas (this one makes me cry a little inside)
12. any frozen yummy concoction, with or without alcohol
13. alcohol (temporarily. i will miss you, coconut rum. we'll meet again soon, have no fear.)
14. baked, yummy goodness. i.e. muffins, cookies, cakes, etc.
15. excessive usage of ranch dressing
16. restaurant pizza (trust, this is just a temporary seperation)
17. garlic butter sauce from said restaurant pizza chains
18. chicken philly sandwiches
19. juice and drinks that aren't sugar-free or diet
20. croutons
21. garlic bread
22. restaurant foods that i can't find the nutritional info on to calculate points
23. restaurant foods that are above a healthy points value
this list shall be updated from time to time...
1. regular soda
2. actually, diet soda as well (sigh, i love you coke zero...i will miss you the most)
3. french fries (hi, my name is ashley and i am a french fry addict.)
4. tortilla chips...and the rest of the chip world
5. fried foods in general, including, but not limited to:
a. mozzarella sticks
b. fried chicken
c. cheesecake bites (sooooooo good! try them so i can live vicariously through you)
d. fried shrimp (i know, we just met and you are so good, but sooooo bad for me!)
6. sweet tea (and since i'm in the north now -ha- this won't be as hard as previously thought)
7. ice cream
8. rita's italian ice (thankfully, they have sugar-free when i'm ready to face temptation again)
9. any type of yummy, creamy dips: spinach, buffalo blue cheese, etc.
10. white bread
11. pina coladas (this one makes me cry a little inside)
12. any frozen yummy concoction, with or without alcohol
13. alcohol (temporarily. i will miss you, coconut rum. we'll meet again soon, have no fear.)
14. baked, yummy goodness. i.e. muffins, cookies, cakes, etc.
15. excessive usage of ranch dressing
16. restaurant pizza (trust, this is just a temporary seperation)
17. garlic butter sauce from said restaurant pizza chains
18. chicken philly sandwiches
19. juice and drinks that aren't sugar-free or diet
20. croutons
21. garlic bread
22. restaurant foods that i can't find the nutritional info on to calculate points
23. restaurant foods that are above a healthy points value
this list shall be updated from time to time...
attack of the bridesmaid's dress...
so, i'm in my dear friend christa's wedding in september. i ordered my dress february 17th with the hope of losing a few pounds between then and when it arrived.
well, it arrived. and according to my mother (as i had to dress shipped to her house knowing that i was moving but not knowing where to at the time) it is cut kinda small. awesome.
as anyone reading this blog and knows me knows, i have always been battling my weight. as you as four i remember having a weight problem and it has continued to be a constant battle. i think the first entry i made in this blog was about my weight loss goals, which, by the way, have continued to fail.
but that's the great thing about trying - you keep trying and eventually, hopefully, you will get it right. peter and i started south beach yesterday. i'm using that as a way to hopefully jump start myself, even if i don't last the whole two-week of strictness. at the same time, i'm still using my weight watchers tracker. so, really i'm doing a low-carb weight watchers system - which could be perfect for me. thus, after the strict (no carb, no nothing but veggies and protein) part, i'll transition easily into adding carbs and things back into my diet - but staying within my points.
i love south beach because the you can see results in two weeks. when i lost my previous 40 pounds plus some, i was doing the south beach diet. it's tough, but it works. this time, using the weight watchers system, i'll hopefully be able to actually keep it off longer than a year.
i am also going to try and be better about writing in my blog about this. i think it will be helpful and show some accountability on my part, as well as be a reminder of the struggle and battle when a. i reach my goal and start slipping and b. when i need some encouragement along the way!
plus, i'm tired of sounding like a broken record. i LOVED getting new clothes and outfits when i was smaller; i'm soooooooooo looking forward to that again!
when i first started this blog, i had small goals for each week...well, i was supposed to! so that being said, my goals from now until sunday, may 10th:
-stick with south beach phase one
-keep track of my weight watchers points
-do not exceed my weekly points total
-to look towards the positives and not dwell on the negatives
-work out twice
oh, by the way, the wedding is september 26...which is 21 weeks and four days away!
*love and hugs*
well, it arrived. and according to my mother (as i had to dress shipped to her house knowing that i was moving but not knowing where to at the time) it is cut kinda small. awesome.
as anyone reading this blog and knows me knows, i have always been battling my weight. as you as four i remember having a weight problem and it has continued to be a constant battle. i think the first entry i made in this blog was about my weight loss goals, which, by the way, have continued to fail.
but that's the great thing about trying - you keep trying and eventually, hopefully, you will get it right. peter and i started south beach yesterday. i'm using that as a way to hopefully jump start myself, even if i don't last the whole two-week of strictness. at the same time, i'm still using my weight watchers tracker. so, really i'm doing a low-carb weight watchers system - which could be perfect for me. thus, after the strict (no carb, no nothing but veggies and protein) part, i'll transition easily into adding carbs and things back into my diet - but staying within my points.
i love south beach because the you can see results in two weeks. when i lost my previous 40 pounds plus some, i was doing the south beach diet. it's tough, but it works. this time, using the weight watchers system, i'll hopefully be able to actually keep it off longer than a year.
i am also going to try and be better about writing in my blog about this. i think it will be helpful and show some accountability on my part, as well as be a reminder of the struggle and battle when a. i reach my goal and start slipping and b. when i need some encouragement along the way!
plus, i'm tired of sounding like a broken record. i LOVED getting new clothes and outfits when i was smaller; i'm soooooooooo looking forward to that again!
when i first started this blog, i had small goals for each week...well, i was supposed to! so that being said, my goals from now until sunday, may 10th:
-stick with south beach phase one
-keep track of my weight watchers points
-do not exceed my weekly points total
-to look towards the positives and not dwell on the negatives
-work out twice
oh, by the way, the wedding is september 26...which is 21 weeks and four days away!
*love and hugs*
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
"This is a tragedy in American history. so for today, forget any and all of your college affiliations. For today, We are all Hokies."
My heart hurts.
There's just so much pain that simply won't go away, and it never will. The Hokie Spirit and community is one of pride, but we still feel so much pain. The Hokie community, one that is so loving and warm, was struck with an enormous amount of evil that shook each of us to our very core.
We use this quote a lot in sorority life, but to those who are severely immersed in the Hokie culture as a student, alumni, faculty or staff member - the love that we feel towards our sweet Virginia Tech - rings true more and more each day, "From the outside looking in, you don't understand and from the inside looking out, you can't explain." There are simply no words to explain my love and adoration for the campus and spirit that was my life for five years and that continues to stay with me.
We will NOT be defined as "the school where the shootings happened." We will be remembered for all of the greatness and esteem that our traditions, spirit and continued excellence exude.
Ashley had come to visit me for the weekend in Blacksburg and she was going to leave on Sunday, the 15th but ended up staying until Monday. I was going to go into the Theme Housing Office but was actually going to go to Charlottesville that day. As she was about to leave, everything began to unfold. I remember her calling me when she was on the interstate saying there were police cars and ambulances coming in every direction.
I turned on the tv in shock and disbelief that there was a shooting in West AJ...the same West AJ that the year before I had worked inside of as a community advisor and as advisor to some of the residents in that residence hall. Then the phone calls, emails and ims began saying that one of friends and an RA had been shot, but that he would be pull through...unfortunately, that was not the case. You probably say Ryan's beautiful smile plastered on your tv; oddly enough I had been prepared to see that smile in person later that evening at a special program devoted to the ten-year anniversary of the Imaginarium (special RA programming and resource room on campus).
The nightmare didn't end there and we all know the rest of the awful story. I remember watching some of Caitlin's residents on tv being interviewed and saying that they were worried about her and hoped that she was safe...only to find out that yet another beautiful Hokie, a student I had meetings with and had a working relationship with, was also taken from us.
The following day all of the names had not been identified but the lead facilitator to the freshman class I co-taught sent an email to each of our students making sure they were safe. Later, I went into the theme office and one of my former colleagues asked if I knew the news. What news? Two students from the WING (the theme program I co-taught) had also died. I remember screaming right then and there when she read Erin's name.
I feel like every single time I think, dream, read, etc. anything involving the tragic events of April 16th that I am in a really, really awful movie. There are some wounds that never heal. While we try our best to move on, it is an image and constant reminder to the pain, terror and fear that we lived.
Alesha and I went to Poor Billy's for dinner the same day all of the additional information came out from NBC and there were reporters every where. One lady tried talking to me us, twice, and thankfully Alesha was composed enough to tell her nicely that we weren't interested in talking because words were not coming from my mouth, only sobs...
Nikki Giovanni's poem at the Convocation Ceremony was beautiful. As she said, "no one deserves a tragedy." It was poignant and thoughtful but also filled with strength and passion to begin the long road to recovery.
"We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. we are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning. We are Virginia Tech."
Dr. Zenobia Hikes did so much for our Hokie Community to help us regain our sense of belonging, even though we had lost our beautiful innocence. She was a powerful woman in a petite frame and lead us in a much-needed round of "Let's Go Hokies!" that day. She too, is missed as she passed away a few months ago due to a heart condition, but she is a permanent fixture in our Virginia Tech family.My heart hurts, but my love has never been more powerful. Leaving Blacksburg has been - and continues to be - one of the most difficult situations for me. Not because of what happened in April, but because of all the beautiful, exciting, wonderful experiences that happened in the years that I spent in Blacksburg. Thank you, Virginia Tech.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
apartments, and jobs and headaches - oh my!
hello! i feel like it's been for-freakin'-ever since i updated or wrote anything. i have so many people asking me about the move, what's going on, etc. that i felt it was easier to write it in a blog.
first, thank you for the sweet messages and comments! it's nice being cared about :)
soooooo, sometime in february i went up to maryland to meet with my uncle who has his own company. he had an opening and since my contract with uva was up in may, and i was job searching, it seemed like a great opportunity. so, shortly after meeting with him, i gave my two weeks to uva. my last day at uva was march 5th!
short blurb about uva - while i enjoyed some aspects of working at uva, the job was not a good fit and most of the past year i've been job searching/unhappy. we all know that uva isn't my cup of tea and that blacksburg/virginia tech is a much better place for me :)
sooooooooooo peter and i went up to maryland this past sunday to look for apartments with a super, super nice realtor. he took us around and showed us the area and some good places.
the first place we saw we loved, but found out it already had an application out on it :( talk about a bummer. it was the cheapest (it had been sitting for awhile, although i don't really know how) yet nicest place. sigh.
so fast forward to tuesday. peter had to work, but i left at 6:50 in the a.m. from charlottesville to meet up with said realtor in maryland and we spent another day apartment searching. we found a nice back-up place, but once again, i fell in love with a place that was in the same area as the first one that left us discouraged.
so after running around, getting offer letters from the job, getting a certified check from the bank after finding out you have to buy a money order with cash not check, getting the run around like whoa, i made it over the the property management office who controls the property we want and HOPEFULLY this means we have that apartment. we'll find out a definite answer today, but it looks good. if not, we do have a backup that actually would allow us to move in this saturday.
i can't believe how stressful it has been to find an apartment. i feel like it was easier to buy a condo in some aspects!
so recap:
-moving to germantown, maryland
-will be working in rockville, maryland (office is located in rockville town center)
-will still have an extra bedroom so we expect visitors :p
-moving the weekend of the 20th
-starting work: march 23rd
whew.
*love and hugs*
first, thank you for the sweet messages and comments! it's nice being cared about :)
soooooo, sometime in february i went up to maryland to meet with my uncle who has his own company. he had an opening and since my contract with uva was up in may, and i was job searching, it seemed like a great opportunity. so, shortly after meeting with him, i gave my two weeks to uva. my last day at uva was march 5th!
short blurb about uva - while i enjoyed some aspects of working at uva, the job was not a good fit and most of the past year i've been job searching/unhappy. we all know that uva isn't my cup of tea and that blacksburg/virginia tech is a much better place for me :)
sooooooooooo peter and i went up to maryland this past sunday to look for apartments with a super, super nice realtor. he took us around and showed us the area and some good places.
the first place we saw we loved, but found out it already had an application out on it :( talk about a bummer. it was the cheapest (it had been sitting for awhile, although i don't really know how) yet nicest place. sigh.
so fast forward to tuesday. peter had to work, but i left at 6:50 in the a.m. from charlottesville to meet up with said realtor in maryland and we spent another day apartment searching. we found a nice back-up place, but once again, i fell in love with a place that was in the same area as the first one that left us discouraged.
so after running around, getting offer letters from the job, getting a certified check from the bank after finding out you have to buy a money order with cash not check, getting the run around like whoa, i made it over the the property management office who controls the property we want and HOPEFULLY this means we have that apartment. we'll find out a definite answer today, but it looks good. if not, we do have a backup that actually would allow us to move in this saturday.
i can't believe how stressful it has been to find an apartment. i feel like it was easier to buy a condo in some aspects!
so recap:
-moving to germantown, maryland
-will be working in rockville, maryland (office is located in rockville town center)
-will still have an extra bedroom so we expect visitors :p
-moving the weekend of the 20th
-starting work: march 23rd
whew.
*love and hugs*
Saturday, February 21, 2009
♥ two peas in a pod ♥
25 Things - Couples Addition
♥ How long have you been together?
it'll be four months on monday - seems like so so much longer!
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
we met october 12th...started dating october 23rd, but we've been inseparable since about october 17th :p
♥ Who asked who out?
it's the cutest story ever and he's gonna be so mad at me for telling :p but i'm telling anyways! we were hanging out and i was going to winchester for something and jokingly asked him what he was gonna do without me around since he didn't have any friends besides me in charlottesville. he said, "well since i don't have any friends, i don't know." and i said, "well i'm your friend!" and he said, "i want you to be more than my friend." (super cute, i know) so i played the girl card and said, "what do you mean?" and peter said, "i want you to be my girlfriend." makes my heart melt each time i think of that story :)
♥ How old are each of you?
24...his birthday is august 5th...mine is november 5th...and for good measure, mollie dog's birthday is march 5th :p
♥ Whose siblings do/ did you see the most?
mine since my brother is only two hours away...unfortunately his awesome siblings are all the way in michigan
♥ Do you have any children together?
children aren't our favorite accessories right now, maybe they'll be in style in about five years?
♥ What about pets?
we have our little mollie dog
♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
hmm, we've both been in some pretty crummy situations with people who didn't treat us, so we're both a bit insecure, but we're getting over that and it's been so amazing to be in a loving, healthy relationship where we can actually talk about the future and talk about what's bothering each of us
♥ Did you go to the same school?
negatory, but i'm turning him into an honorary hokie :)
♥ Are you from the same home town?
nope. not even from the same town...he needed a country girl, apparently i needed a midwestern boy :p
♥ Who is smarter?
he thinks i am because i have a master's degree but i completely think that he is smarter...he knows the most random information and just has the most extensive body of knowledge, it's incredible. i learn something every day from him.
♥ Who is more sensitive?
oh me, fo sho.
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
we have a lot of fun places to go, but he's also helped me become a better cook because i like to come home and make him dinner
♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
michigan!
♥ Who has the craziest exes?
hmmm, craziest? i know that i have the most ridiculous, hateful, womanizing exes of basically anyone i know, ha
♥ Who has the worse temper?
neither of us really has a 'bad' temper, but we're both very passionate and protective about what and who is important to us - especially regarding each other.
♥ Who does the cooking?
i cook more than he does because i get home earlier than he does
♥ Who is more social?
oh me...i'm an extreme extrovert. i like talking to strangers.
♥ Who is the neat-freak?
oh totally him. exhibit a. he cleaned our kitchen while i was at a conference all day a few saturdays ago and the next day i came home and somehow the kitchen wasn't so clean so i asked, "what happened?!" and he says, "you happened." and when my aunt and grandmother came to give us a table, my aunt told me i needed to have peter around sooner because my place had never been so clean :p
♥ Who is the more stubborn?
he says that i am...i asked why and he said, "because." hmmm.
♥ Who hogs the bed?
apparently i do. but he's totally a cover-stealer.
♥ Who wakes up earlier?
peter during the week, most certainly me on the weekends
♥ Who has the bigger family?
i do...my immediate family and extended family is huge and i love it!
♥ Do you get flowers often?
i got hokie colored roses for my birthday and i looooooooved them
♥ How do you spend the holidays?
we split them...thanksgiving with my family and christmas with his family...it was wonderful!
♥ Who is more jealous?
i think it's a toss up...we're both not a fan of the others' past experiences
♥ How long did it take to get serious?
not long at all considering we met in october and spent the holidays with each others' families
♥ Who eats more?
he does :p but we both enjoy our share of food
♥ Who does/did the laundry?
we still kinda do our own laundry but we do a couple things for each other now and then
♥ Who’s better with the computer?
i think he is...he does the spy sweepers and things. i definitely play on the computer more though.
♥ Who drives when you are together?
oh does...i'm not much for driving...he drove all the way to michigan and back :p
♥ How long have you been together?
it'll be four months on monday - seems like so so much longer!
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
we met october 12th...started dating october 23rd, but we've been inseparable since about october 17th :p
♥ Who asked who out?
it's the cutest story ever and he's gonna be so mad at me for telling :p but i'm telling anyways! we were hanging out and i was going to winchester for something and jokingly asked him what he was gonna do without me around since he didn't have any friends besides me in charlottesville. he said, "well since i don't have any friends, i don't know." and i said, "well i'm your friend!" and he said, "i want you to be more than my friend." (super cute, i know) so i played the girl card and said, "what do you mean?" and peter said, "i want you to be my girlfriend." makes my heart melt each time i think of that story :)
♥ How old are each of you?
24...his birthday is august 5th...mine is november 5th...and for good measure, mollie dog's birthday is march 5th :p
♥ Whose siblings do/ did you see the most?
mine since my brother is only two hours away...unfortunately his awesome siblings are all the way in michigan
♥ Do you have any children together?
children aren't our favorite accessories right now, maybe they'll be in style in about five years?
♥ What about pets?
we have our little mollie dog
♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
hmm, we've both been in some pretty crummy situations with people who didn't treat us, so we're both a bit insecure, but we're getting over that and it's been so amazing to be in a loving, healthy relationship where we can actually talk about the future and talk about what's bothering each of us
♥ Did you go to the same school?
negatory, but i'm turning him into an honorary hokie :)
♥ Are you from the same home town?
nope. not even from the same town...he needed a country girl, apparently i needed a midwestern boy :p
♥ Who is smarter?
he thinks i am because i have a master's degree but i completely think that he is smarter...he knows the most random information and just has the most extensive body of knowledge, it's incredible. i learn something every day from him.
♥ Who is more sensitive?
oh me, fo sho.
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
we have a lot of fun places to go, but he's also helped me become a better cook because i like to come home and make him dinner
♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
michigan!
♥ Who has the craziest exes?
hmmm, craziest? i know that i have the most ridiculous, hateful, womanizing exes of basically anyone i know, ha
♥ Who has the worse temper?
neither of us really has a 'bad' temper, but we're both very passionate and protective about what and who is important to us - especially regarding each other.
♥ Who does the cooking?
i cook more than he does because i get home earlier than he does
♥ Who is more social?
oh me...i'm an extreme extrovert. i like talking to strangers.
♥ Who is the neat-freak?
oh totally him. exhibit a. he cleaned our kitchen while i was at a conference all day a few saturdays ago and the next day i came home and somehow the kitchen wasn't so clean so i asked, "what happened?!" and he says, "you happened." and when my aunt and grandmother came to give us a table, my aunt told me i needed to have peter around sooner because my place had never been so clean :p
♥ Who is the more stubborn?
he says that i am...i asked why and he said, "because." hmmm.
♥ Who hogs the bed?
apparently i do. but he's totally a cover-stealer.
♥ Who wakes up earlier?
peter during the week, most certainly me on the weekends
♥ Who has the bigger family?
i do...my immediate family and extended family is huge and i love it!
♥ Do you get flowers often?
i got hokie colored roses for my birthday and i looooooooved them
♥ How do you spend the holidays?
we split them...thanksgiving with my family and christmas with his family...it was wonderful!
♥ Who is more jealous?
i think it's a toss up...we're both not a fan of the others' past experiences
♥ How long did it take to get serious?
not long at all considering we met in october and spent the holidays with each others' families
♥ Who eats more?
he does :p but we both enjoy our share of food
♥ Who does/did the laundry?
we still kinda do our own laundry but we do a couple things for each other now and then
♥ Who’s better with the computer?
i think he is...he does the spy sweepers and things. i definitely play on the computer more though.
♥ Who drives when you are together?
oh does...i'm not much for driving...he drove all the way to michigan and back :p
Monday, February 16, 2009
...a grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart...
i wrote this on february 1, 2007...exactly a year after my grandfather passed away. i don't know if it's because there are so many changes going on, or because i'm coming off of my meds, but today is his birthday and i miss him more than usual (if that's possible...)
i wish every child could have the type of bond i had with my grandaddy...
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal."
"...If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again..."
In loving, loving and peaceful memory of Robert Clinton Blake, February 16, 1925-February 1, 2006.
i wish every child could have the type of bond i had with my grandaddy...
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal."
I was in my apartment and my aunt and her husband knocked on the door. I remember asking Lisa (my roommate last year) if she had someone visiting her because I was wishing, hoping, praying that she did and that the knock wasn't Tammie because I knew if Tammie was at my apartment then it could only mean one thing.
I had talked to my mom about 15 minutes before Tammie came over, so I automatically knew it was her. It takes about 15 minutes to get from their house to my old apartment. I was uncontrollable. I literally couldn't breathe. I hid in the bathroom for a little bit and finally came back out and went to see my Granny.
I truly don't know if there is any greater pain than a broken heart. There is so much love and hope and faith you carry in your heart for a friend, a significant other, a family member and when that person is no longer there, a piece of your heart – your love, hope and faith – literally breaks and you really can't get that back. I look at pictures and I think to myself, he's not really gone, he's not really gone…
Maybe I'm over dramatic, maybe I'm acting like a little girl, but it's really hard for to accept the fact that he's gone. A year later and I still can't figure out how to move past the fact that my Grandfather is gone. People try to say that when a person dies he or she becomes their guardian angel and that person is with you in spirit. Hearing that and knowing that doesn't make the pain any less.
The ONLY only only way I've been able to not go completely crazy without my Grandfather is that I know that he's not suffering. It was heartbreaking to see Grandaddy go from being his strong, independent, handsome, gentle self to a dependent, sick, frail, pained man. I hate cancer. There are very few things, if any others besides cancer, that I hate. But I do - I hate cancer.
Right before I was born, my Grandfather had some pretty serious heart issues. I've always been told that I helped my Grandfather "get better." I was his heart, his pumpkin, his sweetie pie, his little girl…
I keep half expecting to one day pick up the phone and hear his voice. I have his Atlanta Braves hat sitting on my dresser and it no longer smells like him. I realized that two days ago and it really really upset me. In my head I can still hear his voice.
One of the hardest, weirdest and challenging parts about someone's death is realizing you will never see that person again. That was the hardest part for me to grasp/understand at the funeral. I walked in with Granny and we went to the casket and I kissed Grandaddy on the cheek. It was difficult to do that because that was the last touch of my Grandfather and it was cold, when every other hug and kiss had been warm and full of so much love.
His death has made things a little awkward in my family. I know my Granny is heartbroken, my four year old cousin misses her Grandaddy. Sometimes she likes to talk about Grandaddy and I can't even really listen to her because I can't listen to her talk about him and know that he's not here. And Baby Adisun (my youngest cousin) will never know the wonderful man who meant so much to so many people.
His birthday is/would have been February 16th. He died fifteen days before turning 80. The few months of life he had before his passing were spent mostly in the hospital with a few weeks spent at home. It's really hard for me to be in
Grandaddy, I miss you. I love you. My life, my heart, my everything is not complete without you. We had a closeness that very few grandchildren truly have with their grandparents. I would give anything, and I literally mean anything, to see you right now. For one last hug, one last I love you, just to pick up the phone and hear your voice saying, "hey sweetie."
When I Get Where I'm Going Lyrics…
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck…"
Side note: some of y'all might be wondering, "geez Ashley why in the world did you write that? It's depressing." It's not meant to be depressing, it's not meant for anyone to feel sorry for me. As much as I enjoy talking, there are some things I can't talk about very well and well, this is one of those topics.
And lastly...songs are great when trying to say what you feel without being able to find the words..."...If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again..."
In loving, loving and peaceful memory of Robert Clinton Blake, February 16, 1925-February 1, 2006.
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