...a grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart...

i wrote this on february 1, 2007...exactly a year after my grandfather passed away. i don't know if it's because there are so many changes going on, or because i'm coming off of my meds, but today is his birthday and i miss him more than usual (if that's possible...)

i wish every child could have the type of bond i had with my grandaddy...


"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal."

I was in my apartment and my aunt and her husband knocked on the door. I remember asking Lisa (my roommate last year) if she had someone visiting her because I was wishing, hoping, praying that she did and that the knock wasn't Tammie because I knew if Tammie was at my apartment then it could only mean one thing.

I had talked to my mom about 15 minutes before Tammie came over, so I automatically knew it was her. It takes about 15 minutes to get from their house to my old apartment. I was uncontrollable. I literally couldn't breathe. I hid in the bathroom for a little bit and finally came back out and went to see my Granny.

I truly don't know if there is any greater pain than a broken heart. There is so much love and hope and faith you carry in your heart for a friend, a significant other, a family member and when that person is no longer there, a piece of your heart – your love, hope and faith – literally breaks and you really can't get that back. I look at pictures and I think to myself, he's not really gone, he's not really gone…

Maybe I'm over dramatic, maybe I'm acting like a little girl, but it's really hard for to accept the fact that he's gone. A year later and I still can't figure out how to move past the fact that my Grandfather is gone. People try to say that when a person dies he or she becomes their guardian angel and that person is with you in spirit. Hearing that and knowing that doesn't make the pain any less.

The ONLY only only way I've been able to not go completely crazy without my Grandfather is that I know that he's not suffering. It was heartbreaking to see Grandaddy go from being his strong, independent, handsome, gentle self to a dependent, sick, frail, pained man. I hate cancer. There are very few things, if any others besides cancer, that I hate. But I do - I hate cancer.

Right before I was born, my Grandfather had some pretty serious heart issues. I've always been told that I helped my Grandfather "get better." I was his heart, his pumpkin, his sweetie pie, his little girl…

I will always be a GranDaddy's Girl. Whenever I had a fight with my mom or Granny, I went to him. Whenever I was being silly or had a bad day, I went to him. And now when I need him the most, he isn't here…

I keep half expecting to one day pick up the phone and hear his voice. I have his Atlanta Braves hat sitting on my dresser and it no longer smells like him. I realized that two days ago and it really really upset me. In my head I can still hear his voice.

One of the hardest, weirdest and challenging parts about someone's death is realizing you will never see that person again. That was the hardest part for me to grasp/understand at the funeral. I walked in with Granny and we went to the casket and I kissed Grandaddy on the cheek. It was difficult to do that because that was the last touch of my Grandfather and it was cold, when every other hug and kiss had been warm and full of so much love.

His death has made things a little awkward in my family. I know my Granny is heartbroken, my four year old cousin misses her Grandaddy. Sometimes she likes to talk about Grandaddy and I can't even really listen to her because I can't listen to her talk about him and know that he's not here. And Baby Adisun (my youngest cousin) will never know the wonderful man who meant so much to so many people.

His birthday is/would have been February 16^th. He died fifteen days before turning 80. The few months of life he had before his passing were spent mostly in the hospital with a few weeks spent at home. It's really hard for me to be in Charlottesville right now for this interview because the last time I was in Charlottesville was to visit Grandaddy after one of his surgeries for cancer.

Grandaddy, I miss you. I love you. My life, my heart, my everything is not complete without you. We had a closeness that very few grandchildren truly have with their grandparents. I would give anything, and I literally mean anything, to see you right now. For one last hug, one last I love you, just to pick up the phone and hear your voice saying, "hey sweetie."

When I Get Where I'm Going Lyrics…
"...I'm gonna walk with my Grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck…"

Side note: some of y'all might be wondering, "geez Ashley why in the world did you write that? It's depressing." It's not meant to be depressing, it's not meant for anyone to feel sorry for me. As much as I enjoy talking, there are some things I can't talk about very well and well, this is one of those topics.

And lastly...songs are great when trying to say what you feel without being able to find the words...
"...If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again..."

In loving, loving and peaceful memory of Robert Clinton Blake, February 16, 1925-February 1, 2006.