"This is a tragedy in American history. so for today, forget any and all of your college affiliations. For today, We are all Hokies."

My heart hurts.

I really can't explain the amount of pain the events that happened at Virginia Tech truly caused. I know there are various levels of grief and I wonder if I'll ever move past the "shock/not being able to accept" phase...even two years later.

My dear sweet Hokies, while you are with us in spirit, you have so many friends, families, strangers who wish nothing more for you to be with us physically. To my friends, Ryan, Caitlin and Erin, I've had dreams where you are alive and well...waking from those dreams causes an eerie sense of reality. Ryan, to hear your outrageous laugh, would literally be music to my ears...

There's just so much pain that simply won't go away, and it never will. The Hokie Spirit and community is one of pride, but we still feel so much pain. The Hokie community, one that is so loving and warm, was struck with an enormous amount of evil that shook each of us to our very core.

The questions that linger...all of the "whys" and "what ifs," that might never have an answer. The fact that one individual could take the innocent lives of 32, injury 23, disrupt the peace of a school community of 28,000 and to make the world look at Virginia Tech in sheer and utter disbelief.

One. One person. One individual. One former student, who walked our halls, our campus, shared in our community. One.

One. One school. One spirit. One legacy that will not compromised by the actions of one.

I miss you, Virginia Tech.

We use this quote a lot in sorority life, but to those who are severely immersed in the Hokie culture as a student, alumni, faculty or staff member - the love that we feel towards our sweet Virginia Tech - rings true more and more each day, "From the outside looking in, you don't understand and from the inside looking out, you can't explain." There are simply no words to explain my love and adoration for the campus and spirit that was my life for five years and that continues to stay with me.

When I say that I am a graduate of Virginia Tech – a proud "double" Hokie – I say that with so much love and pride. When people give me the sad, "Oh I'm so sorry" look or don't really know how to respond, I sometimes just want to say: April 16^th is NOT Virginia Tech.

The students, the resilience, the Hokie Spirit, the academic excellence, the community, the mountains, the Drillfield, the residence halls, the outlaying area, the cheers ringing out from Lane Stadium, the thunder of a new sense of belonging for our basketball team, the overall athletic and academic prestige, the research, the amazingly gifted and talented students and faculty, the reasons that I could go on for days with this list – THIS is Virginia Tech.

We will NOT be defined as "the school where the shootings happened." We will be remembered for all of the greatness and esteem that our traditions, spirit and continued excellence exude.

This has been the longest but at the same time shortest two years. I still remember April 16, 2007 like it was yesterday...

Ashley had come to visit me for the weekend in Blacksburg and she was going to leave on Sunday, the 15th but ended up staying until Monday. I was going to go into the Theme Housing Office but was actually going to go to Charlottesville that day. As she was about to leave, everything began to unfold. I remember her calling me when she was on the interstate saying there were police cars and ambulances coming in every direction.

I turned on the tv in shock and disbelief that there was a shooting in West AJ...the same West AJ that the year before I had worked inside of as a community advisor and as advisor to some of the residents in that residence hall. Then the phone calls, emails and ims began saying that one of friends and an RA had been shot, but that he would be pull through...unfortunately, that was not the case. You probably say Ryan's beautiful smile plastered on your tv; oddly enough I had been prepared to see that smile in person later that evening at a special program devoted to the ten-year anniversary of the Imaginarium (special RA programming and resource room on campus).

The nightmare didn't end there and we all know the rest of the awful story. I remember watching some of Caitlin's residents on tv being interviewed and saying that they were worried about her and hoped that she was safe...only to find out that yet another beautiful Hokie, a student I had meetings with and had a working relationship with, was also taken from us.

The following day all of the names had not been identified but the lead facilitator to the freshman class I co-taught sent an email to each of our students making sure they were safe. Later, I went into the theme office and one of my former colleagues asked if I knew the news. What news? Two students from the WING (the theme program I co-taught) had also died. I remember screaming right then and there when she read Erin's name.

I feel like every single time I think, dream, read, etc. anything involving the tragic events of April 16th that I am in a really, really awful movie. There are some wounds that never heal. While we try our best to move on, it is an image and constant reminder to the pain, terror and fear that we lived.

Alesha and I went to Poor Billy's for dinner the same day all of the additional information came out from NBC and there were reporters every where. One lady tried talking to me us, twice, and thankfully Alesha was composed enough to tell her nicely that we weren't interested in talking because words were not coming from my mouth, only sobs...

Nikki Giovanni's poem at the Convocation Ceremony was beautiful. As she said, "no one deserves a tragedy." It was poignant and thoughtful but also filled with strength and passion to begin the long road to recovery.

"We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. we are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning. We are Virginia Tech."

Dr. Zenobia Hikes did so much for our Hokie Community to help us regain our sense of belonging, even though we had lost our beautiful innocence. She was a powerful woman in a petite frame and lead us in a much-needed round of "Let's Go Hokies!" that day. She too, is missed as she passed away a few months ago due to a heart condition, but she is a permanent fixture in our Virginia Tech family.

My heart hurts, but my love has never been more powerful. Leaving Blacksburg has been - and continues to be - one of the most difficult situations for me. Not because of what happened in April, but because of all the beautiful, exciting, wonderful experiences that happened in the years that I spent in Blacksburg. Thank you, Virginia Tech.